From Desi

Robert, Hey it's your little sister. Well actually your soon- to-be little sister. I just learned how to type without looking at the keyboard and keeping my eyes on the screen. Oh you better take really good care of my big sister or I'll have to get Joey to beat you up okay? Just playing!! Well I can't thing of anything to write about but I sure think you can. Sincerley, Desi p.s. write back!!!!

Disposable Contacts

Robert, I had an appointment for my eyes today. Guess what: I am allergic to my contacts and the storage solution I had been using. If I keep getting permanent pairs I have to replace them every 4 to 5 months before my eyes reject them. So I am now into disposable contact lenses. I told Dr. Wright that you (my fiance) use disposable lenses and he wanted to know what kind you use. I didn't know. What kind do you use? Where do you get them from? How much are they costing you? I am trying to decide if they are cheaper down here or up there. If I continue to go to this doctor he will only charge me $42 a check-up. He said that he would like to follow up and see how my eyes are doing. They usually do follow ups free if they are within the next month. He knows that I am leaving Saturday and told me that he won't charge me if I come in in December to get them checked. Cool! Robert, I only quoted the General Authorities because they said what I wanted to say in fewer words. I was not accusing you of ignoring their counsel. I am sorry if it felt like I was. I can't wait to see you. I will call you as soon as we arrive in Salt Lake and we can discuss when to get together. I love you. Honeymoon: Are you still worried about this? I love you. Have no fear, if we stay at a $7.50/night motel, I will be happy. If there is no scenery at all (this one is hard because even lying out in the middle of nowhere is scenic) I will be happy. I will be with you and that is what I want most. Anything else is just extra. I love you. I was writing this message when Desi told me, "say 'hi' to Robert for me." I told her that she could write you a message. So she is anxious for me to get off so she can write you. I love you and I will get to see you at least by Sunday which is only a few days away. I am so excited. That seems so close. I love you. Your loving friend, Wanda

Reply 1 - I love you

Robert, Children 1. Time: 2 or less. 3 is a little long. 2. Number: agreed. 3-7; around 5. 3. Birth Control: Natural methods strongly preferred. "If you were opposed to having kids then that is all you would hear from me is discussion about having them. However, since you also want to have them, I don't bring it up very often." I don't only want to hear from you when you disagree with something. I need to know that you are in agreement with it. Maybe this is where part of the confusion came in. I wanted children, but I never really heard a response from you. I love you dear, but I don't only want to hear your opinion when I look horrible or if I am a cold fish. I want to know when I please you too. Mistrust: I hope you trust me now and I don't want to do anything to break it. I won't be deciding on my own to have children. If it were just my decision, then that wouldn't be a good environment to bring our children up in. Both of us have to want and plan for them. Both of us will be in on the decision when to have children (not the milkman) unless it is a pure oops (like Felicia). If we get pregnant withing two years, and we have to postpone my schooling, then so be it. My mother has postponed her schooling and has taken a class here and there. She says that she would like to have her degree, but that she doesn't have any regrets because the joy we have brought her was so "exquisite." My patriarchal blessing says: "As you progress in your studies and the gathering of knowledge of all kind, you shall reach for the better things, those things that will be of the greatest advantage to you." Will raising children not be a "gathering of knowledge?" Which would be more of an advantage for us? Which is better? The choice spirits we will raise or my degree? Attaining a degree is a good back-up to provide for me and the children and that is the real reason I want it. I have always been happy as long as I am learning. I don't need a piece of paper saying that I have learned something (unless I need a job outside of the home). "I am quite certain that if you wanted to have children sooner than you would discuss it with me instead of making the decision yourself . . ." Yes I would. We will prepare and plan on having children together. If we are able of having children sooner, then we should talk about it before one us makes the decision. Number: Just as the timing is flexible, I think this should be too. 5 is a good number, but there are always those little surprises. My parents only had 5 until their last surprise came, and I can't imagine a life without Felicia. Birth control: Let's wait at least until we are both up at Weber to discuss this one. There are advantages and disadvantages to each method. The pill is definately out. I never thought I would find myself saying that, but I am so tired of being sick that I just don't want to take the last FOUR I have to take. I have now been on them 6 months. Morning sicknesses usually begins at about month 3 and ends at month 6. That's three months. My mother was pregnant from month 3 till she delivered. 6 MONTHS!!! If this is any indication of how I will feel, pregnancy will be a time to learn endurance. "I may be getting ahead of myself; I still haven't read your other letters." Getting ahead of yourself: Yes, we should be worried about how we are getting married and then how we are going to have sex. That might not sound right, but I hope you know what I mean. You could read a lot into that if you want to. I know that we have jumped into a lot of topics, but it is good that we are discussing these things now instead of after we get married. We will better understand how each other feels and know more what to expect when we are married. I am going to read and respond to reply 2 now. I hope that *I* haven't gotten ahead of myself. I love you, Wanda

Mom and Me

Robert, I left for the swap meet with my mother early this morning. I got home at 3:00 and left to pick up my father and when we got home he had to get on the computer to get his schoolwork done for class tomorrow. You haven't gotten any messages from me today and I felt kind of lonely not being able to read any of your mail or write any back to you. Reply 2 came in and then reply1, so now I get to read them and reply to you. They didn't come in until 10:17pm and 10:25pm (tonight). We are leaving Saturday. It looks as if Joey won't be able to come. My mother is worried that we won't get anything done. I guess she has been planning to get some things accomplished on this visit. We are still struggling to get along. Most of the time we do, but occasionally we have a hard time (about once a week). I wish I knew how to fix it. I will do whatever I can, if I only knew. I only have a hard time with her and she only has a hard time with me. I was talking to my dad about it earlier tonight and he didn't know what to do either. The sad part is, it isn't usually like this. I feel like she is trying to pick me apart and she feels like I am trying to push her out of my life. I know that I am not pushing her out of my life (and have even told her so), but I am trying to keep her in it and I doubt she is really trying to pick me apart. I went on a long walk today. I was talking to Heavenly Father and I kept remembering the blessing that Brian gave me. Even though I was troubled with didfferent matters, I feel that the counsel I received still applies and I haven't been following it. The blessing was rather long and gave me much advice and counsel. The direction was much needed then and I was grateful for it, I should be using it now. I only have four days, I hope it works. This is one of the last times I will be with my family and I don't want to remember it with all the turmoil I am feeling now. It sounds like I need to go write in my journal. I will go do that as soon as I am done writing you. Hmmm . . . if I remember correctly that was one of the things I was counseled to do that I haven't been doing. I forgot about that one. Usually when I write it helps clear my mind or at least put things in perspective so I can better deal with them. I am just afraid that I am going to botch it up and then *I* will be the one that won't talk to my parents (or at least my mother) for 2+ years. she already won't talk to me now. My dad has just told me that we need to just be civil to each other, but I don't want civility, that's what you get from a stranger. I want to feel like she is my mother/friend again which takes more than civility. I am going to start a new message or you will be hearing more about this. I can't seem to stop rambling about it. I love you. Thanks for being patient with me. Your friend, Wanda

Reply to Reply #2

Robert, You had said in reply 2 "Once we are a little settled - we have an apartment, cooking utensils, furniture, and I have a job - then we'll probably REALLY want children." If this is the case then we can discuss it then. Neither of us will know how we will feel 1 or 2 years from now. What if we have been married for 6 months and we really want children and are in a position to do so. I will be willing to postpone my degree if this is what we want at that time. I don't want to be tied to our previous decision. I am NOT saying that we should wait and see what happens, but I don't want to be held to what we have agreed upon. I don't want to hear "Well honey, we agreed that we would wait two years" and have the topic closed. I don't want what I am saying now to be held over my head. I don't think this is something YOU would do because you are very considerate, and that is an extreme case, but this was my point earlier when I asked if we could leave the topic open for discussion. This goes both ways. If I want children, I will come to you and discuss it with you. If you want children and I haven't said anything, come to me. I might have forgotten about the idea (I doubt this would ever happen). I might get wrapped up in studying. Or I might just be waiting for you to say something. Getting settled: I think our definition of this was different. I thought you were talking about waiting to strengthen our love. This is a common view that the world takes. I feel that our love should be strong enough to bear children if it is strong enough to get married. It didn't occur to me until just now that you are talking about having a place to live and you having a job with a steady income. For me this was a given. I wouldn't dream of planning on children if I can't plan on our next meal. It IS enough to know that you want children just as much as I do, if not MORE!!! I love you. This is what I needed to hear. I know that if you want them as much as I do, then you won't put them off until we don't have them. If we did this THEN I would have regrets. If we decide to have children in the first year of our marriage and it requires me to quit school, then I will. I will be just as happy having children. I don't think my mother has had time to regret not being done with school yet. Correct me if I'm wrong. I wouldn't quit school. I would just postpone it; taking classes when I can, when we can afford it, right? I don't want this to sound as if I am backing out of what we have talked about earlier or as if I can't make a decision. As it stands: we are going to wait for me to get at least close to finishing school. But I don't want either of us to discount other possibilities just because we decided one thing now. You had mentioned the possibility of me quitting school and us going to Los Alamos and starting our family right away. If we go to Los Alamos, then this might be the best thing to do. I could finish up my Associates (Hopefully this can be accomplished between UNMLA and Weber) shortly after we arrive (less than 9 months) and start work until I get pregnant. I looked at the catalog earlier and realized that going to school there might not be advantageous. I would be VERY, VERY happy if we were in Los Alamos and I was "bare foot and pregnant." I could pick up my degree along the way later. Robert, if this is what you want to do and feel that we can make it down there with a family, then we don't want to discount it just because we have decided to wait two years. I am sure we will talk more about this during the fall. I don't know why you thought this letter might be painful for me to hear. I rather enjoyed hearing how much you want to have children. It makes me really happy. Yes, I do realize that I'd have to sacrifice my degree in order for us to have kids one or two years sooner. Don't you think I would have thought about this? If we decide to have children early, or even if a surprise comes, then we will have to adjust and my education isn't going to be left unchanged. I will be willing to forgo my education if we have children early. I have weighed this and I am making an informed decision, I am not blind. You say the decision, in all reality is mine. This is not so. I may be birthing our family, but you will be supporting it. Driving to Vegas: I would love this. 6 months seems so long and I am not sure if I want to wait that long. No, I KNOW I don't want to wait that long, but we can. I know that the wait will be worth it if I get to have you. Present Choices: 1. Start a family right after we get married and I can quit school for a few years until we have the money to send me back. If we decide to do this, I am willing to postpone my education until we can afford it. I have no objections to this choice. Question: how soon is "right after we get married?" 2. Finish your degree and the we can have kids: I don't think a year or a year and a half is too long to wait. (If I am not mistaken this is the choice we are presently making.) I am trying to schedule my schooling so I can finish earlier than I originally planned. If we end up somewhere that I can't do this or if I decide it is too stressful to cram it, then let's seriously consider #1. 3. You can get a full-time job, I can get a part-time/full-time job, I can stay in school, we can start having kids and let someone else raise them for the first few years. I don't like this idea at all. If we let someone else raise the kids for the first few years, aren't we basically postponing raising them? Shouldn't we just wait until after I finish my degree (in #2) and postpone raising them THIS way when we can start with them when they are babies instead of when they are young children? Just a thought. I am going to go write in my journal. It is late and I am really tired. My fingers aren't allowing me to type. I will however, type more tomorrow. I love you. Forever yours, WMH

Love

Robert, I still haven't received your replies to parts 1 & 2. I don't know if it is still trying to send them or if they are permanently lost. When I did log on Julia had sent me a message. She writes to me after girl scouts. She had checked her message and gotten one from me last Thursday and wrote again today. She said that she would check them again this coming Thursday. She is really cool. I don't know if you will remember her, but she remembers you. We will have to show you the picture she has of you. Often times I would ask her if I could look at the photo album and I would go straight for your picture. I don't know if she knew the real reason I wanted to look at it, she might have guessed. My mother had me use this cream on my face. She said that it might get rid of the rest of the bumps. I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it, after all Joey had used it. she neglected to tell me that it kind of peels off the top layer of your skin. It has a burning sensation. My face looks like a bunch of red blotches right now. She says it will look normal in a few days. I certainly hope so. You already asked me to marry you, you can't back out now. It doesn't look that bad and it is only red and blotchy when I wash my face, and then it burns for a few minutes. I guess if it takes care of the bumps then it is okay, but I don't want to be permanently blotchy. Meanwhile I will just make sure I put on my make-up, that's what make-up does anyway -- even out your skin tone. Pell grant: I finally got a hold of a human being in the cashier's office (I did this Monday). I told her that I hadn't received my billing statement and therefore couldn't sign it. She said that when I return it, it activates my grant. She did it right then for me. Now I don't have to worry about it. Cool!!! I love you. You make me so happy. I only hope that I can make you as happy as you make me. You have brought so much joy and peace into my life that there aren't words to describe how I feel. I love you. That is the closest I can get. I am going to write Julia and Sean. He doesn't seem to write to me too often. No matter, we will both be in Ogden in less than a week and then we can call him. (We will probably even see him, after all, he WORKS at the halls.) We will even be able to call each other. But who wants to go to all that trouble when I can go over and visit you in
your room? After all, I have never really been a phone person. You can't make-out over the phone as easily as you can in person. I love you. After I go write Julia and Sean I am going to go to bed. Then I will wake up, go to exercise, and then I will come back and read a message from you. (I would read a message before exercise, but we usually leave at about 7:30 [8:30 your time] and you haven't written yet.) Oh, I forgot, mom and I are going to the swap meet tomorrow at 6:00 to get fabric to make shirts out of. I am so excited. Now that I know how to sew something, I will have to practice. Hopefully I will have a whole new wardrobe of T-shirts by the time I get up to Weber. I love you. Boy, I just began and ended the last paragraph with "I love you." Could I have done this because I love you? Well I do. There's no escaping it now. My love for you has no end so you will never be able to get rid of it. I will write to you tomorrow. I love you. Wanda

Homemaking

Robert, Tonight is homemaking. I am actually excited to go. I usually don't go to these. Tonight my mother is going to go to the T-shirt class. She is going to teach me how to make T-shirts when she gets back tonight. I am going to go to the stamping and embossing class. I am going to be able to make our thank-you cards for our reception. It should prove to be a lot of fun. I haven't heard from you. Can I call you tonight? What time will you be home? I have been playing Mah Jongg for the past half-hour and checking in between games to see if you have written me. I should have known that your phone number was 8714. My phone number in PT was 8711 (when I roomed with Megan) and there were only two more rooms on the floor. Oh well, now I know it for certain and I will call you when I get in Saturday. I hope we get in at a decent hour. Granted, I won't be the one driving, but I don't want to be on the road all day even if it is just as a passenger. By the way, the New Yorker was $35 a day. Dad said that it was an upgrade. They paid for an economy car, but they didn't have any left so they gave him the luxury car (the New Yorker) for no extra cost. The car mom and I are going to drive up to Utah is about $100-120 a week. Now you should have some idea. I am anxious to get back up to Ogden. Mainly because you will be there and we will be together. I am also anxious to get back in school. Homemaking is at 6:00. I am going to take a shower and then log back on to see if you have written me since. I love you very much and long to be with you and make you happy. I love you. WMH

Reply3 misunderstood

It's not that I wouldn't MIND having kids - I WANT to have kids - I just didn't want to have them right away. I thought that 1-2 years was a good time period. If you don't feel this way then TELL ME and we can talk about it further. Please don't assume that I feel a certain way - ASK me about it. My point is this: we have to decide when we want to have kids. Just waiting and seeing what happens is NOT a wise move - kids come whether you are ready for them or not. Heavenly Father has a lot to do with it, but so does nature. I don't agree with the theory that you just have sex and leave it up to Heavenly Father to decide if you'll have kids or not. We have the power to decide some of these issues - so we should. >This is why we must plan for them. I am confident that we will do fine. As to whether or not I would want to go two years without sex: THAT one hurt. I figured sex was something that BOTH partners wanted - if I'm the only one wanting it then there's no sense in doing it. We aren't animals - we don't just do it to have kids. It brings two people closer together. I want to have sex, I assumed you did as well. If not, then let me know ahead of time so that I don't plan on it when we get married. I'm sorry, but I am feeling REALLY hurt by what you said. >You can plan on having sex. This comment was meant to lighten the heavy atmosphere, but it only did the opposite. Just as our love isn't one-sided, neither is the desire for sex. Sex is one way we haven't been close together and I desire to share this with you. I want to keep you close to me physically, emotionally, and spiritually and sex is a great and fun way to do this. (Smile dear, I love you.) You know when you ovulate, so you are largely in control of the decision to have children. I have to be able to trust you in this. We need to agree when we are going to have children so that we will both know - so that there is no confusion. Do you want kids right away? Do you not want to wait? How important is your schooling? Can you go to school when you have children? Could we afford this? >Robert, you are the one that receives revelation for our family. What better time to start than with the decision to start a family. I will trust you. If you feel that it is best to wait, then I won't deceive you and I will abide by what you say. You ask "Do you not want to wait?" Robert, I will wait, and if it gives you peace of mind, then I will gladly wait, but I don't want to continue to wait. I don't want to wait for you to OK kids as Jenn is waiting for Erik to ask her to marry him. If I know that you want children, (just as I knew that you would ask me to marry you) then I will not worry because I know that eventually we will have children. I'm sorry, you led me to believe that your schooling was of the utmost importance - second only to my career. However, in the past you have made comments that made me wonder if this was the case. It seems to me sometimes that your schooling is more important to you than my career. (Like coming to Los Alamos, for instance) Now I'm not sure how important your schooling is to you. I'm just very confused because you're not telling me what you want. I've told you what I want - and now I feel as if you've thrown it back in my face. >Priorities: #1 - your career. Your career is what will be supporting me, our children, my education, and your continued education. #2 - our children. If I had to choose between children and an education, then I would want to have children. Maybe thsi is my heart talking instead of my head, but my heart is following the Spirit. #3 - schooling (yours and mine). Since we can have both if we wait to have children, we are taking care of this second and our family third. You're saying that I wouldn't MIND having kids when in fact I WANT them. That's part of the reason I asked you to marry me - the other reason is that I love you and don't want to be apart from you. I want us to share our lives with each other, I want us to be close. If we could wait 1-2 years, you could finish your degree and I could (hopefully) pay off my student loans.

Reply2

to rush into having children. I think 1-2 years is a reasonable period of time, but after we are married and we see how things are going we may just move up this time frame. However, I need to know how you prioritize your schooling. If we have children it will be very difficult for you to continue with your schooling - both in regards to time and in regards to finances. >My schooling will be completed. Whether we have a child in 1 year from now or 5 years from now, I will have it done. After we are married I have a good two years to finish my schooling. In the eternal scheme of things, that isn't too long. By changing my major and by going summer quarters (or semesters) I will not be stressed with the heavy loads that I am facing now. Additionally, I think I will enjoy school much more after my generals are completed. I won't have to deal with any English courses or any of the humanities. >One to two years is a reasonable time period. I don't think we should close the issue, and you're not, thank you. I don't want to end up where Katrina and Brian are. Katrina is so baby hungry. They are going to jump right into having children. He isn't done with school and neither of them have a steady income. I think the only thing that will save them is his family has a lot of money. It may be necessary to wait more than two years, but the opportunity may arise to have them earlier too. As long as we don't close the issue, then we can talk about it if circumstances change. I'm concerned now because I thought we had agreed to wait - but now you are saying that I agreed to wait and you are simply going to let me decide the issue. I don't like that, it makes it sound like my decision. Now I am feeling hurt. >Yes, I am going to let you decide the issue. I didn't think that this would make you feel hurt. You wanted to wait and I want to make you happy. If waiting eases stress for you, then I will wait with you. Please tell me why this hurt you. I STILL do not know what your thoughts are - I STILL do not know what you want. Are you willing to sacrifice your degree to have children? Do you think it's wrong to put off having kids for 1-2 years so that you can finish your schooling and we can be reasonably stable in our marriage and in our finances? >If I could not have both - children AND a degree - I would choose to have children. However, if waiting allows me to have my cake and eat it too, then I will wait. Stability in our marriage? I know how you feel on this. I don't think we should put kids off to add stability in our marriage. The last guy I dated felt the same way. Because he did, I seriously contemplated it. My personal opinion is that it is from the devil. They are words of the world. Anything that needs stabilizing can and should be done while we are courting. When we get married we should be able to adjust to each other and our new life together relatively well because we have chosen correctly. These words aren't meant to be harsh or hurt you, but you asked how *I* felt. Now you have it. I love you and I know that we will be happy and that we will both love our children when we have them. Do you want to start having kids right away? I STILL am waiting to hear what it is that you want. You've told me what I want: that I wouldn't MIND having children (instead of my WANTING them), that I want to wait 2-3 years, that I have made the decision and you are abiding by it. This has really hurt my feelings, Wanda, if you didn't agree with what I was saying then why didn't you just say so? >You told me that you wouldn't mind having children after we are married. You need to want them as much as I do and sometimes (only sometimes) it sounds as if you don't. Robert, you HAVE made the decision and I will abide by it. I want you to be happy and I don't want you to feel stressed. You will be the priesthood leader in our home and the decisions will ultimately be made by you. I trust your judgement and I know that you listen to the spirit. I will abide by what you say. This shouldn't hurt you. I love you and this is why I will follow you. I don't know - I feel like my words have been twisted or at least

Reply1

Robert, With AOL I can only send you the first part of the reply. I love you. Wanda Children: let's talk more about this. I would like to have children soon, but I really think it would be easier if you finished your schooling first. How do YOU feel about this? > We definately need to TALK about this. We will be able to do so in a few short (or long) days. I am anxious to be with you again and we will soon be able to talk about it. How do *I* feel? You ask me this later on. Let me respond then. I suppose we can ask others and see what they are doing to keep from having kids until they are ready. It's beginning to sound like you want to have kids soon after we are married - so now I'm wondering how in the world we would be able to put you through school and have a family without creating some serious hardships for ourselves. >Where has the impression come from that I want kids right after we are married? What is your definition of soon? Sure I want them "soon" but soon is also a year or two. Is this not what you have said? Robert, I want children. A couple of years is not too long to wait. What I was worried about was in some instances it sounded as if you didn't care if we had children or not and wouldn't mind waiting many years. Isn't this a switch? I thought you wanted to wait 10 or 15 years and you thought I wanted to deliver when we left the ceremony. (This is exaggerated for a little levity.) We have a certain amount of knowledge granted to us - and we should utilize it. If you already know when you ovulate then we can just practice abstinence for that 24-48 hour period. That may not work in every case, but it's worth a try. I will NOT be upset when you are pregnant - regardless of when that occurs. I will be very happy about it, but I would be rather stressed about how to pay for it if we have no insurance. If we have adequate insurance then we'll be in far better shape, but if we don't then there will be some stresses that we'll have to deal with. >I volunteered this knowledge because I thought it might be of some use. You are right, it might not work in every case, but it is something WE CAN do. >I asked you if you would be angered if I were pregnant earlier than expected. To you this might seem like an off the wall question and wonder why I even bother asking it. I have known many couples who decide to wait to have children. In many cases the wife gets pregnant before they had planned. Oftentimes the husband gets mad at the wife. "How could you let this happen?" "Why did you have to get pregnant?" "You know we had decided to wait to have children." These are many of the responses. I know these are not responses YOU would give, but I wouldn't want you to feel this way either. I don't want to feel condemned for getting pregnant after we have decided to wait. I love you and I want our starting a family to be a happy time. It makes me feel loads better knowing taht you want and will be happy having children even if we are not fully prepared for them. >Getting pregnant is a scarry idea for me. It is for most women. Delivering a baby is more risky than open-heart surgery. It is very life threatening. Plus there are all the changes I will be going through. I am going to be fat. I have never done that before. There is also a good chance I will have morning sickness 24 hours a day. This is not a comforting thought. Being nauseated is the worst thing anyone can do to me. It will also be a time of trial. I don't want to get cranky and irritable. I will try to control this. I don't want to take it out on you. When my mother gets pregnant my dad calls her the "pregnant witch of the west." None of us can do anything right, especially him. My dad is really patient and understanding. He is very light-hearted and takes it with a lot of humor. I hope that I won't be this way. Even though I may feel cranky, it isn't an excuse, it's only a reason. What I am trying to say is: if I am going to be fat and sick, then the last thing I need is to feel blamed for being that way. I don't want you to get angry with me for getting pregnant. Can you see the reason I had asked that question? I am happy that you will want the child, even if it is unexpected. Wanda, I want to have a family just as you do, but I don't want

Reply4 - The last one

Then we'd be in a much better position to have children. THAT is what I am saying. I'm going home now - I'm a bit upset and tired. Sorry, it's not your fault - I should have been more clear in what I was saying. I hope that I didn't hurt your feelings in this, but I DO want you to know that MY feelings were hurt. I haven't really had a chance to re-read this letter, so it may be a little mis-worded. I'm just upset and rambling right now. >I am sorry that what I said upset you. I never mean to hurt you and I will do anything to clear up the confusion you might be feeling. Have I adequately told you how I feel? Please tell me what I can do. >Sum: I can and will wait a couple of years to have children if this means I can have an education and children. I just don't want to wait forever to have them (as Jenn will be waiting for Erik to ask her to marry him) and I don't want to wait if the only reason is to strengthen our marriage. The ultimate decision will be yours and I will do what you feel is best. I love you. Please reply to this when you get the letter. I want to know how you are feeling this morning. Love forever, WMH

My reply

Robert, I had to attach the file from Word Perfect. I hope it comes through okay. I love you. Your fiancee, Wanda

Hurt

Robert, I don't know when I will be arriving in Salt Lake. You will already be in Ogden. My mother says we will leave around 6:00 and it is a 10-12 hour drive, but I am not sure we will leave by then. (I shouldn't have to explain this. You have met my mother.) Roommate: I have a feeling I will spend more time in your room when she is cranky AND when she is in a good mood. Children: You are right, we need to TALK more about this one. Whenever I write a letter I a always worried taht something I have said may be taken the right way. Even when I re-read letter over and over, there is always the chance that I might not have read something with this tone or feeling that way. It appears as if I should've waited to talk to you about this. I never want to you and now I have. I wish I would have read this earlier, that way you would have at least had a response when you turned on the computer this morning. If I would have read it last night, I would have called you. I have given up trying to get on the computer after my dad gets home because he is usually on it. I am going to open your letter, respond to each part and then mail it back to you. I want you to be able to read each part and my response to it. Perhaps this is my feeble attempt to make it a conversation. Please bear with me and know that whatever I say is not intended to hurt you. I am so sorry that it does. I love you.

Children and other matters

Robert, Where are you writing from? The lines were running off of the page. No matter, I just downloaded it and pulled it into Word Perfect with a soft return and walluh! It works. Dear, YOU will arrive in Ogden at about 4 or 5 pm. I won't have access to my room until Sunday. Up until then I will be in Salt Lake. I will move in Sunday and my mother (and Joe if he comes) will stay in Salt Lake. Sally: I don't think she will be returning. I don't know who my roommate will be but hopefully she won't be as moody as my roommate last year (before Katrina). I am feeling MUCH better now. I think I just needed some sleep. No one else has called in sick. I don't think the sneezing meant anything, I was just joking with you. Postponing children until I finished my degree was not a decision we made, it was a stipulation you had that I am complying to. I knew as soon as we started discussing the bishop's list that you didn't want children right away because I would be finishing school. I will do anything to make you happy and if that means not pressuring you with kids, then I won't. Please send me the message where we talk about this, I would like to hear what I had to say. Yes, I can tell when I ovulate (release an egg). I can feel it, it's somewhat painful. Quite a few women can't tell, either they can't feel it, or they don't know what they are feeling. In a healthy human female this occurs two weeks into the cycle, since I am on Birth Control it occurs at the end of the cycle so it doesn't have a chance to be fertilized (this is what the green pills do, the orange ones prevent me from ovulating). I'll bet that you never thought you would hear so much about female anatomoy when you chose to get married. I won't be on birth control starting Monday. When mom called, the doctor said that I should discontinue it, but that I should finish the cycle. They are going to try to get me in to see her Friday. You ask me what I want: There is no need to rush into it, but I don't want to actively prevent having children either. This is why I was wondering what you had in mind. You gave the right/best answer when you said: "We'll just pray and receive revelation regarding our family." Heavenly Father wants the best for us. If we are trying to do the right thing Heavenly Father will help us. He's going to know how much time we need together before having children. What we should consider is how willing we are to do what Heavenly Father wishes. What if it is different then what we, as earthly beings, have planned? This includes having a child 9 months from the time we are married or if he makes us wait 10 years to have children. I just don't want our having children to be a closed issue. How upset will you be if I am pregnant three quarters before I finish school? You mentioned trying to have a family 1 quarter before I am done, but I don't think you want to put off sex for that long. Abstinence is the only sure way of not having children. If Heavenly Father wants us to have them, we will. Many women have had their tubes tied and still get pregnant. On the other side of the coin, if he feels that we truly need the time together before having children, he won't give us a baby. My mother and father actively tried for two years to have me. I have often wondered if there was a reason for me being late. You want to know what brought this up and asked why I had changed my mind. I am completing school faster because I don't want to delay having children for a long period of time, that's where it sprung from. I have never changed my mind because I have never settled it. Robert, I know what you want and I want to make you happy, but I don't want you to close your mind about it. You have eased my mind by telling me that this is negotiable. I don't think we are going to have a problem as long as it remains open. Heavenly Father is full of surprises and I think we should be prepared for unexpected events. Please don't compare yourself to your brother. You are already a step ahead of him, you will have a college education and a great possibility of earning more than $5.00 an hour. You said that it wouldn't hurt to get minimally established. How would you describe minimally established? Where your brother is? Where you are? Lower than you brother is? Higher than you are? Somewhere in between? If you don't feel established now, are we going to be established enough to have them? Please examine yourself and your feelings so you know that you WANT to have children instead of NOT MINDING having children. You often remind me that people in other countries are poor and happy. Often they have children. Thank you for taking the time to let me know how you feel and why you feel the way you do, hopefully I have done the same for you, if I haven't, tell me. I love you. I, like you, want us to plan to have our children so we can be better parents. I love you. I am not asking that we have them right away. I realize that my last letter may have come across a little confusing, perhaps as if I wanted children NOW, sounding as if I am changing what has been said. I am often concerned that my written (or spoken) word may come across different then has been intended. Thank you for asking me how I felt and clarifying the situation. I love you. I talked with my mother about having a reception in San Diego. She commented that it might be better to just do away with the idea totally. She brought up several points that we might want to consider. We can discuss this when we get back up to Weber. My sisters have all gotten home and seem to be fine. They're not sick at all, neither is Joey. So far he has had a good birthday. It's kind of an important birthday. He seems more excited about turning 18 than I did. I didn't much care how young I was. I love you and I am anxious to be with you in 5 days and even more anxious to be with you in 6 months. I am happy that I accepted this very important invitation. I love you. To quote Much Ado... "I love you with so much of my heart that there is none left to protest." I think you told me this once in a message and I have looked for it, but I cannot find it. There are just too many letters. I love you. I can't say it enough. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! By the way, I probably won't walk through the line at my graduation pregnant, I might waddle through it though. I love you. Your friend, Wanda PS. I almost sent your last letter to Sean, his name is under yours in the adddress book for AOL. BTW, have you heard from Rob?

birth control

Robert, I loved talking with you last night. I always love talking with you. However, it will be a lot more fun to talk with you this weekend. Do you know for sure if you will be in the residence halls? When will you arrive in Ogden? We are leaving Saturday (we will get the car Friday), but I am not sure what time I will get my mother out of the house. I can push and push all I want, but it usually doesn't do any good. It's that flexibility thing again. Joey might come with us. He can miss one or two days of school, but my mother is planning on him missing three or four days. She STILL doesn't know when she will be returning to El Centro. I just got a call from Sally. I didn't say anything about the Maid of Honor thing yet. She was kind of upset about her mother. She might end up commuting to Weber. I think she wants me to make her decisions for her, but I told her that they were decisions SHE would have to make and that I couldn't make them for her. She really doesn't want to live at home, but I think her mom is worried about her and wants her around. It might actually be better for YOU AND I if she commutes. Who knows. I wasn't feeling too well today (I figured it was just the BC pills) and then Phil called from school, he was also feeling sick. My mother came home and told me that she didn't feel well and I told her that Philip had come home from school. My dad just called, and he is coming home from work because he doesn't feel well. I have NEVER known my dad to miss work, especially since he is cleaning up the computers. Maybe the sneezing meant something. Post-poning children: How do you propose we do this? The General Authorities have said that those who practice birth control "shall reap sorrow." David O McKay said, "When the husband and wife are healthy, and free from inherited weaknesses and disease that might be transplanted with injury to their offspring, the use of contraceptives is to be condemned." They recommend that a couple should just live and have whatever comes along. There is self control. When I am not on the birth control, my body tells me when it has released an egg. Eggs only have a life of 24 hours, sperm for 36. Do you have a suggestion? You might like to hear what Spencer W Kimball said about it: "I have told many groups of young people that they should not postpone their marriage until they have acquired all of their education ambitions. I have told tens of thousands of young folks that when they marry they should not wait for children until they have finished their schooling and financial desires. Marriage is basically for the family, and when people have found their proper companions there should be no long delay. They should live together normally and let the children come." Robert, what do you consider a long delay? I really would like to know how yoou feel abou these isssues. I hope that I haven't sprung any surprises on you. I love you dearly and I don't seek to make you feel upset, hurt, or angry. I only want to make you happy. I am going to mail this. I am suddenly feeling really sick. I am going to get some rest (unless I got another letter from you, in that case I will respond first and then retire). I love you. Your eternal mate, Wanda Marie Husted

Cashier's Office

Robert, I am so frustrated. I have tried and tried to get a hold of the cashier's office. All I get is a machine. I have called registration information, but they can't tell me anything. She did say I had a hold on my records. She checked it out and it said that I didn't pay my phone bill. Of course I haven't paid my phone bill, I haven't been there to receive my last bill. She said that it only meant I wouldn't get my grades until I paid it. Have you had a chance to call them? I am going to mail this to you now and see if you have sent any mail to me. I just got home. Today is Joe's birthday and some of his friends came over at 5:00am and kidnapped him for breakfast. I have been gone eversince. I am so tired. I love you, Your fiance, Wanda

Job offers

Robert, I love you. Yes, there is a hurry for me to graduate. Remember that my graduation is your stipulation for us starting our family? Now that I have found the man that I want to be with throughout the eternities, I want to be able to start our family. I want to have children more than I want my education. To ME this is more important. The only reason I was continuing through with my education before instead of having children was because I was not going to start a family on my own. Do you want children? Maybe I forgot to ask you this question. I don't want us to have them because I want them and you want to make me happy. That wouldn't be a good home to have a family in. Schooling: Yes, I do know what I am doing in regards to my schooling. Do you still want to go to AA? Along with my math major I am considering a *CS* minor. This is more math oriented. If I take a CS Major, I would need to go through at least calculus, and I would consider a math minor. My declared major is still engineering physics with a computer emphasis, when I change it, it will be my final choice. Job options: it will be best to discuss these later. We will be together in a couple of weeks (that sounds so close!!!) and we can discuss it then. I will be happy no matter what we decide to do because MY two stipulations will be fulfilled: 1. We will be married. 2. We will be together. I am going to mail this to you so you know I have received your message. I am hoping that it will get to you before you leave for the day. I love you. Forever and ever, Wanda PS. I got the pictures yesterday. You are so-o-o cute!

Jobs in Los Alamos . . .

Robert, The pronunciation you gave me for strinking was \'struE-kin\. Where did this come from? Work in Utah: We will see what is available and if nothing comes up, then Los Alamos is a good back-up plan. I guess the reason I am stressed over Los Alamos is the same reason you were stressed over me mentioning my spring quarter schedule. (I am only using "stressed" for lack of a better word.) When I had told you what my schedule would be you wrote back that you were concerned we had our "wires crossed." In the next paragraph you told me "but sometimes you are a little vague when you talk about what you are planning - and then I get worried as a result. Please be more clear as to your intentions so that I don't get stressed-out worrying about what we are planning together." Consciously I know that Los Alamos is a back-up, but when you talk about it, subconsciously I feel as if those plans are definate. Please, if only for my peace of mind, reassure me that we are going to Los Alamos if nothing better comes along. I am not asking to take a Cobol job over the lab because you have indicated that the lab would be better than a cobol job, but I need to know that you are considering looking for a job elsewhere also. I am sorry that I have rambled about this, sometimes it makes me feel a little uneasy. I need to feel that this isn't definate (just like you needed to understand that my Spring quarter schedule was also flexible) but often times you talk about it as if it has already been decided. LOGICALLY I can tell that this is because you need to feel safe and have reassurance that there is something out there and you only count on the worst case scenario, but feelings and emotions don't operate on logic. Tam: You and I are in love, and that is why I am marrying you, not because it is economically advantageous. If I would have gone to BYU or U of U, I would be graduating with a Bachelor's in Chemical Engineering. (I didn't want to go to either of them, hence the change in my major.) Chemical Engineers make a starting pay of about $45 - $50 thousand a year. I am not saying this to be destructive or to brag, I am merely trying to make the point that if I had chosen to remain single, then I would have been financially secure. However, after falling in love with you, I cannot live my life without you. Emotionally and mentally I NEED you. I don't want your companionship, I NEED it. I love YOU. I don't love anyone or anything more than you, including my degree. I don't need money as long as I have you. Oh well, enough of that. I love you and you love me -- THIS makes me happy. I am going to send this because I want to see if you have responded to any of the letters that I sent you. I was gone early this morning and just arrived back to start the first letter, then I had to leave (Trish had a baby shower) and I have been writing ever since I returned. I love you. Your eternal companion, Wanda

More about schooling . . .

Robert, Don't be sorry that our getting married has altered any plans that I made. I want to marry you and I just need to make adjustments in my schedule. I can't live my life without you, nor do I want to. I will gladly change these things if it means I get to be with you. We will keep discussing this so you can understand where I am at. It isn't hard for me to know where you are at, you graduate in one quarter, this isn't a hard concept to understand. My position isn't hard to understand either, I just need to keep you more informed. This is something to work on. I will do my best to let you know where I am at. One of my objections to going to AA is that "I can tell you exactly what they are going to tell you." Well, I haven't been telling you and I need to start. I know where I am at and it hasn't occured to me, until now, that it isn't so obvious to you. If you still want to go to AA after we discuss this in the fall, I will humor you. I won't be going for me, rather for you. To quote you: "Let's not worry so much about the timing of all this - let's see what happens and plan accordingly." I haven't been extremely worried about the timing because I know that we won't know until way later, I am just jumping ahead of things. I need to follow the advice I gave to Sean and just let things happen instead of trying to predict what will happen. Yes, we have both changed the course of our lives, but I think it will turn out better because I will have you. In the eternal perspective of things (and in the present) you are more important. After all, marriage is a prerequisite for the highest kingdom, but a degree isn't. I know you weren't in a real hurry to get your degree, you did want to do well though. I wasn't in a hurry, but now I am. I am going at my own pace, I have just sped up the pace I was going so I can graduate with my bachelor's. I don't want it to take 10 years, I don't even want it to take 2 more years. I am sure it will though. (It will take at least 3 more if I stick with a math major, I have been toying with the idea of becoming a CS major, but I want to try my hand at programming first.) I want to graduate ASAP. If it means going 4 quarters a year (or 3 semesters, depending on where we finally transfer to) and taking 17 or 18 credits a quarter, I will. Now that we will be getting married, I need to graduate SOON. I have one more letter I am going to respond to. I LOVE YOU!!! Wanda PS - Did I tell you that I wrote Julia. She figured out how to write me back and I got a message from her last night. Isn't that cool?

Graduation

Robert, Scenery vs. Hotel room: Both are nice. (Sorry, I'm not helping you much, am I?) If I had to choose between the two, I would choose the one you are at. (This doesn't help much either, does it?) If the view from the room was not great, but the surrounding area is very nice -- that would be fine. Whichever you prefer dear. (Am I being indecisive?) I really don't have a preference. Now you have it in writing, but I'm sure it doesn't matter, huh? I have never snorkeled before, with the exception of the pool sets you get. I always went under the water too far and sucked water into the tube. I would love doing it though, It would be fun (I'll be with you.) Go ahead and send the message to Sean. I don't understand what authority you would be usurping by sending him a message. He already writes to you more than he writes me. Let me get into the programming. After we know where we will be I will know what classes I will need to take during Spring, which will in turn help me to decide what classes I have to take Winter quarter. I showed you what my tenative schedules are for the next two quarters. If I can follow these, then I will be able to recieve my Associates (General). Yes, I am working on classes that will help me work towards my bachelor's. This is because many of the same courses will count for Generals AND my Bachelor's degree. Why take twice as many clasases when I can take one class and have it count for both? If I want my Associates by Spring, then I willl have to take Chem 111 during the Spring and Chem 121 later on. You are worried becasue I mentioned my Spring quarter schedule. I am sorry that it sounds like I am making plans to stay here. Yes, these will work if we stay here, but they should also work if we go down to Los Alamos. UNMLA has the last bit of Calculus that I will need, they also have the last bit of German. WSU has Independant Study for English 232 and I am sure that there is something in chemistry that UNMLA has that will transfer and count. During Fall quarter we will have to talk to WSU to find out which courses will transfer and count towards graduation. We should also see what we can do in the way of correspondence courses. It will all work out. Associates: I don't have too many classes left to receive my associates, it's just a matter of taking them when they are offered. History: I am taking History over. My D will count, but I don't want that kind of a grade on my transcripts. Enlish 232: I need to take English 232 (everyone needs a lit course) and that is offered any time, but in between my science and math classes, the best time to take it would be Spring. I was going to take it Winter, but I moved it to Spring quarter so I could take Comsci 213 during Winter quarter. German 203: I am going to take this class in the spring anyway. It will count as a humanities, so why take another course to fill my humanities need? Physics 111: This is taught Fall and Winter quarter. I was taking physics 101 last quarter and the instructor was testing a new way of grading. The best grade in class would have been a B- (I would have had this.) He was also very unpredictable. I changed it to CR/NCR. Now it doesn't count for a GE. I should have just dropped it. I took it thinking that it would be a good refresher, not realizing that it was only concept and the reason I enjoyed Physics in the first place was because of its use of math. (Calculus and Algebra) I knew that whatever major I finally decided on (Math or Physics) I would have to take higher courses that will also count towards my general eds. When I met you, I wasn't taking this class CR/NCR, and thought I had one more Natural Science out of my way. Chem 111/121: I have to take a Chemistry class for my major (just as I have to take a physics class for my major). I have to go as far as Chem 121. I can start at Chem 121 because I have filled the prerequisites: Math 105 and a high school Chemistry class. However if I want to get my Associates by the end of the year, then my last option is to take 111. Both classes will give me the 4 credit hours I need in Natural Science. (It's 5 credit hours, but I only need 4 more after I take physics). If you don't count History (because I don't need it to achieve my Associates) then I only have 17 hours to graduate. That IS only one more quarter's worth of classes. I do want to continue my math, it is bad to put it off. It's kind of like exercising, it is harder to get back into the habit once you have quit for a period of time. I didn't take a math class Spring quarter and I could kind of tell it had affected my performance in Math 107 Summer quarter. I do have extra classes filling up my time which is where my need comes in to wait until the end of the year to graduate. Calculus - 15 credit hours worth. Comsci 120 and 213 (8 credit hours) - these will help me get a job at the lab. German 201 and 202 (8 credit hours) - I have to take these before I can take German 203, which is a class I need to graduate. And, of course, History 170 (5 credit hours) a retake. Does this help at all to help you understand where I stand in school? If there is still any confusion, please bring it up. The only thing that really shocked me was getting a 2 on my AP English test. I asked my AP teacher wether I should take the test or not (just to see what my chances were of passing). She had told me that she thought I would get a 4 or a 5. All I needed was a 2. I was really dissappointed. All I had to get was a 3. I had always gotten A's in my English classes. I wasn't overly stressed. Maybe that was the problem. However, I wasn't over-confident, I was worried, just not enough I guess. Please respond to this and let me know how you feel. I love you and I don't want you to be left out of these decisions. If there is something you feel I have left you out of or you feel that there is an option that I haven't brought up, please tell me. I love you. Wanda

Striking

Robert, In your letter you said that you have always considered Lisa attractive, but not striking (like me). What is "striking?" Isn't it funny, now that you are leaving (and therefore cannot write) my mother is off the phone and I can send messages. She had been on the phone all morning making Relief Society calls. It has happened again. Computer: My dad had checked it out last night. It didn't have the virus. I was really upset to find that out. I couldn't write you and I didn't have any way of telling you I couldn't write you. It was very frustrating, this is why I called. I love you. Pictures: You said that you want pictures of us this way you can keep one on your desk the three months you will be away. Hold on here!!! You might not be away. I know that you are only counting on the lab as backup, but you being here with me is a much nicer thought. Don't count Waterford out. They might still want you. They might want you to work part time during the fall and start full time in the winter. I am confident that you will get a job. I know that the lab is back-up, but I doubt you will need it. I have faith that you will find something as talented as you are. You have a lot of things going for you. You will have a bachelor's degree in December, you are very intelligent and pick up on things real easily. You will do fine. I don't want to sound like Tam, but Robert you are going to very successful and you are going to make a lot of money someday. Tam knew this. I am sure that she also loved the idea. I, unlike Tam, love YOU, but it will be nice to know that you can provide for a family when the time comes. After all, you kept reminding me that people with far less money are happy. Whatever we do (no matter what job you take) we will be happy. I LOVE YOU!!! You went to Santa Fe and I am going with my mom to run some errands. I love you, and will forever and ever, Your fiancee, WMH

School

Robert, I think setting Sean up with Lisa would be a good idea. This way they are both dating again. I got a letter from him. He wrote to say thank you. He said that I told him the things that he needed to hear. He said it cheered him up. I am glad. It was kind of funny because he had to go because he was late for a meeting. Is this what all of the men in my life will be doing? (That was rhetorical) Melissa and Rick: The next time these two break up we will just have to jump on the gun and fix her up with someone before they get back together again. This will be easier when we are up at Weber. We can invite her up to Weber to a lot of the activities, this might encourage dating others and she might see that college life is fun. Both you and your dad have indicated that Rick is really lazy up at school. This lack of interest in it might come off in a bad way to Melissa. I think it would help if we showed her that continuing her education will be fun. Jobs at the lab: I will be taking C-Programming in the fall. I will also take intro to the Unix in the winter. Hopefully this will help. I just have to figure out when to take Chemistry 121. Any suggestions? I can't take it this quarter, might be able to take it winter quarter and it isn't offered Spring or Summer quarter. Winter quarter: German 202 (4), Comsci 213 (4), Math 212(5), Physics 111(5). If I'm not going to work at Los Alamos then I can drop Comsci 213 (only to take it later) and take Chem 121. But do I want to take 19 credit hours with physics, chemistry and calculus in the same quarter? I could replace physics with chemistry, but then I have the problem with physics that I had with chemistry. If I am only concerned with getting my Associates, then I can take Chem 111 in the Spring. I will still have to take Chem 121 later on. If Chem 121 is needed for my Bachelor's and it fills a general, then why not kill two birds with one stone and only take chemistry once? Spring quarter (so far): German 203 (4), Math 213(5), English 232 (3) and Chemistry 111(5). If I do this (and CLEP English 111 and 112 in the Fall) then I will graduate with my Associate's Degree Spring Quarter. I could put my calculus classes off for another year, but then it will take me two more years to graduate because I have to have calculus for a course during the 95-96 year that won't be taught again until the 97-98 academic year. It might not be wise to put math off any more than I have to. The big question is: How important is it to get my Associates NOW? Can it wait until fall of 1995? If so, then I can take Chemistry then and I will have leeway if I fail the CLEP test for English (this really scares me because I do not like English. I got an A in my AP English class and have always gotten A's in my English classes. My sophomore year I was the only one with an A in all of the classes that that instructor taught. But I don't TEST well in English. I only got a 27 or 28 on the English part of my ACT and I only got a 2 on my AP English exam. I think it is because I only got a 2 on that exam (3 is passing) that I am afraid of clepping English.) I am in a rambling state. I am not sure what I want to do. If I leave Weber real soon then it is important to get my Associates, if I will be there for a while, then I will worry about not wasting my time with Generals. (Such as taking Chem 111 when Chem 121 will do just fine.) It all depends on where we are at after we get married. I don't mean to stress YOU and I am sorry if it does. We won't know where will be until closer to December. I am trying to be patient and I don't think that I have done that bad. Just don't ask me when I will get my Associates because I won't know until you know some things first. I thought I would have plenty of time to accomplish many of my academic goals before I got married and I planned them accordingly. Since choosing to marry you I must give up some of the time I thought I had to graduate. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to do so because I want to be with you more than anything in the world. In fact, more than anything out of this world. I love you with all my heart and I will do anything for you, even if it meant giving up my education. You have indicated that you will not ask me to do this and it makes me happy. Before I fell in love I was determined that I would not give up my education for anyone and that my husband would just have to accept it. I have since "grown up" and realized that if you asked me to forgo my education, I would. You know the value of an education and wish for me to have it. This is very selfless, thank you. Before I fell in love with you I knew where my life was headed and what I was doing (academically). Now I haven't a clue. You are graduating in the winter and with it comes a new life, a new adventure you are about to embark upon and I have chosen to accompany you on it. I am glad to do so because I love you and want to be with you. Along with your new life comes uncertainty. It has turned my planned and structured world upside down. I no longer know when I am going to take a class and what class I am going to take. I won't know until we make some decisions. This is good. How often do we have things planned out when Heavenly Father throws a monkey wrench into the works and the outcome is so much better than we could ever have imagined? He has done this to me by allowing me to find you. I hope you read this with the feelings that I intend to be there. Please don't take offense to anything I may have wrongly written. If something is confusing, please bring it up so we may discuss it. My written words are always inadequate when I try to express how I feel. Maybe this is why English frustrates me so much. I love you so much, there aren't words to express it. My brother has discovered a song by Alabama that I have grown to love. It is about a guy who watches his better half sleep and searches for a "better word for love." I am anxious to hear from you today, and you have probably written in the time it has taken me to write this letter. I love you. Your future wife and eternal companion, Wanda

Recycled Messages

Robert, I love you!!! I was responding to a message that you had written me when my dad called and warned us about the computer. It has been over 12 hours and I have lost my train of thought. I think I was telling you how I felt abou the list of honeymoon spots, but we have now discussed that over the phone. Waterford Institute: You said that Greg called. Did he call you or did you call him? Were you expecting his call. Each letter you mention your phone interview in you are more and more unsure of yourself. Robert, I think you did fine. You probably did as my dad does and you undersold yourself. I love you. When I talked to you over the phone last night you said that he said they still wanted you. Robert, if they are willing to hire you, let them. Maybe they can find someone more capable (you commented that they probably will), but they might not be willing to pay for someone who is more capable. You said yourself that you won't continue with them. They are limited by how much money they are willing to put out. I wish I knew what to say or do to ease the stress you are feeling about this, but I don't. If there is something I can do, ask me. Schooling: I had indicated that I would like to transfer from Weber. Their programs are beginning to frustrate me. You said that I could transfer to U of U or BYU. Neither of these appeal to me. They are very number oriented rather than people oriented. This was why I chose Weber over BYU or U of U. I could have gone to either of them if I wanted to. Weber is slowly becoming more number oriented and doing less and less for their students. This is why I would like to transfer. Problem: what schools are still student oriented? USU? Logan's not good for you. No matter. We will discuss it and pray about it when the time comes. I love you. (After winter quarter I will be 4 credits shy of becoming a junior.) I am glad that you enjoy calling me and writing to me. This is a good thing. If we didn't, then I would be worried. I love you. I am going to send this off to you and sign on to see if I got any mail from you this morning. Your sweetheart, Wanda

Sean

Robert, Sean wrote me. He is really depressed. He was really having a lot of fun with a girl named Amy. He saw some potential in it. (This was the girl he was talking about before when you met him.) she dropped a bomb on him the other night and told him that she wasn't interested . . . in anybody. Funny, this is what I told him before I dated you. Anyway, I told him that we would find lots of girls to fix him up with, so start looking. He hadn't really written anyone, except you. He had been working at two different jobs. He just completed the second one Monday. Now he is back to being "just a maintenance man." I would tell you that you are a better influence on me than I am on you, but I will never know what good or bad I bring into your life. I think the reason I keep more of an open mind is because I am not just thinking of myself. This is how it is supposed to be. You make me so happy and I only hope that I can bring this much happiness and joy into your life. Did you watch "Blue Chips?" Was it any good? Have you made all of the phone calls you were going to make? Housing? Registration? I am going to send this to you and see if I have gotten any messages from you yet today. I love you. Your best friend, Wanda

Movies

Robert, Dad and I just finished watching a movie. I have no idea what the title is. It was on AMC. We both really enjoyed it. We may not go to the theaters very often, but we are both night owls and enjoy old movies. I knew that meg was the correct way to address a "megabyte" but I wasn't sure about the written abreviation. You called tonight. Thank you very much. In one of your messages you had commented that I could call you tonight (you had missed me calling the day before). I kept looking at the clock and adjusting the time debating on wether to call you or not. I had just put my sisters to bed when the phone rang. I figured it would be for my dad (he had just gottten home from class). But instead it was you. It was a surprise, but a nice surprise. I love you. Jobs in Utah: This has many pros along with the cons, the pros might outweigh the cons. We will weigh both and after consulting our Father in Heaven, we will make the right choice. I am worried about my schooling. I know I will eventually complete it (I'm not worried about that) I just can't get the classes in that I want to and I am feeling frustrated about that. I will show you what I have left to take and what thte problem is when we return to Weber in the fall. Maybe there is something that I am not considering that might prove to solve everything -- you never know. When you call don't worry about rambling or going into nerd-mode, I love hearing from you. Sometimes I get lost just listening to your voice. I AM paying attention to what you are saying, but oftimes I am at a loss of words, I just love listening to you. Sometimes I BEGIN to feel overwhelmed about the responsibility we are going to take on, but then I remember that you and I together can take on anything and soar among the clouds. Today I received a message from you (I don't know which one) and all I felt was an overwhelming love for you. I just wanted to wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight, but alas you weren't here. I could reach out, but all that was there was air. Someday soon we will be together and I will be able to hold you again. And shortly after that we will be sealed together for time and all eternity, I will never be permanently separated from you. I love you. Now I am missing you and I just spoke to you two hours ago. Mom was right, we better be married soon. Yesterday we went to some friends of the family for a barbecue. They also had another family over -- the Pipkins. Her husbands job takes him to New York every year from May to the very end of September. She flies up to visit him each year in August. I really feel lucky to have seen you twice and only to be separated from you since June. I guess you do what you have to. She said they didn't do this at first and the first few years it was a strain on their marriage, but they survived it and still are. I think that our marriage will be strong enough to endure this if we have to. Besides, on the visits we wouldn't have to control ourselves as we do now. I love you. I am going to go now, but you will get plenty more messages from me today and throughout the rest of the week. I will also call you Sunday. Love forever, Wanda PS. Two weeks until I see you again.

Honeymoons

Robert, I have returned, although I am sure that for you I was only gone as long as it took you to get to this next message. Honeymoon: Robert dear, I could take this the wrong way if I wanted to: "we can have a private room to ourselves to play and frolic, and THEN go out and have some fun." I think we will have plenty of fun in the room too. I didn't know that Six Flags and Magic Mountain were the same thing. Shows how much I have done in California. Walks on the beach will be a lot of fun. It is too bad that we didn't get to do this on our last visit. 1. Disneyland - traditional and entertaining. I absolutely loved it when I was a kid. the last time I went was when I was 17 (just two years ago for me). I hung out for the most part with my parents, Uncle Bob and Felicia. I took Felicia to the kiddie rides most of the time, but occasionally Uncle Bob and I went on something with dad. I wouldn't mind this one, we WILL have to take plenty of pictures. 2. Knott's Berry Farm - I have never been to this one so I will have to defer to your judgement. Actually I haven't heard much about anything, just Disneyland and Magic Mountain. 3. Six flags Magic Mountain - Never been here. Havaea heard that it was a lot of fun and not as crowded as Disneyland, but I wouldn't know. 4. Queen Mary/Spruce Goose - I have NEVER heard of these until I received your message.If they were any good at all I probably would have heard something. If you do decide that you do want to go, maybe later on, than I will. 5. Sea World - "Lotsa mammals and fish" Sea world is more entertainment than theme park. I won't throw the idea out because I have never been there, but watching a bunch of tricks that fish and mammals do doesn't sound very entertaining to me. If they were my own pets or I trained them, then I would be interested. It's kind of like baseball, it's more entertaining to be playing then just watching it. 6. Movieland Wax Museum - What is there besides the wax figures? 7. Universal Studios Tour - never been there either. I have heard about this one (unlike movieland and the lion country safari). It might be fun to do something that neither of us have done. I want you to enjoy something too. 8. Lion Country Safari - Never heard of it. Do we have air conditioning? What does the cruise on PCH have to do with desertted beaches up north. does the cruise take you to them? If so this might be interesting. If we can go to the beaches ourselves, we might not need the cruise. We could skip the nice hotel room and consider the cruise to be this if you want to go on it. I really don't care for a crowded beach. Can we go walking on the beach at night too? This would be very romantic and as senic as we want to make it. Theme parks - If Disneyland and Magic Mountain are the best and a theme park is what you decide on, then let's choose one of these. I have never been to Magic Mountain so I don't know which is better. Where do you plan on taking me for sure? I can't think of anyplace that you haven't mentioned. Of course I don't know of much anyway. You have me thinking and I know how you love to do this so maybe I shouldn't wonder about it. (Yeah right!) Kent and Connie - I called housing today. I talked with Kent for most of the time. He asked me how you were doing. I told him that I had just gotten a letter from you (this one). He said that he hasn't e-mailed for a while. He said that the last time he heard from you you had asked him what he did on his honeymoon. He said that you had some idea that they had gone scuba-diving. He said that was the next year. If you really want to go I will take the class sometime and we can do that together. I am going to mail this and see if you have left me any messages while I was gone. I love you. Your best friend, Wanda

Caution in the Fall

Robert, When my dad sends the other computer up here I am going to get him to give me the keyboard I want. I can do this. All I have to say is "daddy" and I get what I want. didn't really use the keyboard you have. I think I punched in my password once or twice, but that was pretty much it. Caution in the fall: Yes, I do agree that we need it. If we can get really close in three hours, then imagine what could be done in three months. Not good. It is 4:15. I have to havae my financial aid at FedEx in 10 minutes. I am going to mail this to you now and finish replying to the rest of your letter when I return. I won't be long. I love you. Wanda

Dreams

Subject: Robert, I love you!!! Sean: yes he is a good kid, but I still haven't heard from him!!! I guess he just likes you more. I was beginning to wonder if he'd gotten my message until you had sent me what he wrote to you. You are beginning to sound cheesy, but I like it, so keep it up. I get to see you two weeks from tomorrow. I am so excited. I wonder when my mother is planning on leaving Salt Lake. I don't think she knows, but I will ask her nontheless. Books: While I have the time (at least more than I have at Weber) I am trying to get some reading in. My mother got me a book at the Distribution Center that she thought I might like to read. She also gave me another book she has been trying to get me to read for several years. Before I wouldn't read it (I always felt that she was giving me the book because she wanted to change me). Now I feel more open to reading it. Mom said, "I like Robert, you seem to keep more of an open mind about things now that he is around." See you do good things for me. I am also trying to read a book on computers before I the quarter starts. There is also another book my mther gave me (the one by Brent A Barlow) that she wants me to read now that I am getting married. She said that it is a really good book and that it has some valuable insights/s
uggestions. I have only read the first couple of chapters in this one though. I also want to read more of my scriptures. My scripture reading really fluxuates during the schoolyear. Hopefully I will be able to keep it up this year. Is there anything you want me to read while I am at it? Dreams: I usually don't remember my dreams. I usually wake up and remember them but then I quickly forget them. At least I remember remembering them. I do know that you are in the majority of my dreams. It has become a common thing, just like dreaming about my friends or family, only you have become my best friend so it isn't unusual for you to be in most of them. I told you you were constantly in my thoughts. I love you. I am going to go get some more things accomplished, but I will write more later. Your fiancee, Wanda PS 27 weeks and 4 days until the 18th of March. I LOVE YOU!

computers and time

Robert darling, I love you!!! Oops! I am getting cheesy again. I would keep myself in check, but that is too hard to do. Dad's new computer is hooked up. He was thinking about sending me up to Weber with his old one, but it only has 1 mg ram (is this the correct abbreviation?). This one has 8. He needs this one becasue he is taking a class in school which requires Paradox which requires 4 mg to run. He said that come December he might give me this one to use until we get married. I have survived up till now going over to campus (or using John's) so I will do fine even if he doesn't get it to me. However, it would be nice if I could get it. If nothing else he will give me his old one in December, right now it's in the boys' room. I am not too worried about you not spending enough time with me. I don't think it is possible to be together enough, especially AFTER we are married. Until then we both need to concentrate on our studies. If we can't spend every waking minute with one another we might as well put it to good use and get A's. I was really stressing out last night with my schedule. (not fall quarter, that one is already taken care of) When we get up to Weber I will show you what the problem is. There are a few ways I might be able to tackle it, but my options are all stressful. Oh well, this is what happens when you fall in love as much as I have. How long had you gone to school before you received your associates? I am not worried about you getting a good job out of college. You will do fine and things will all work out. You are going to be successful. Working in Utah: I am not alarmed. If that is what we do, then it will be a good thing. Even if we live there for more than 5 years. Whatever we decide to do it will be best, I am sure of it. Pictures: We WILL have a pro photographer at our reception and at the Temple. We will have to look at different photographers and decide who's work we like better and who we want to hire to do this. My mother had said that a pro photographer is practically a MUST. I just got another message from you. This is fun. I am going to mail this off to you so I can read and reply to the next one. I love you. Your bride-to-be, Wanda

From Joe

Hey Cheese Dog, I can't believe you like my sister so much, nobody here does. Wait one of my friends said she was pretty cool, but I told him its too late, she's already engaged. He said it doesn't matter till you're in the temple. I really do admire you for having the courage to marry her. You are probably the biggest chump I'll ever meet. I also can't believe you are marrying a teenager. well, hope you have fun anyway. your future bother in law jose

Marry you? Of course!!!

Robert, I'm sorry that you have to revise your program. You worked hard on it. I am assuming this because you were constantly talking about it. Dad hooked up the new computer that he got from work. He could have used his old keyboard, but he decided to put the keyboard in that came with it (against my objections). I hate it. It is soft touch wheras the other one went down to my liking. He asked my mother and she said that it didn't really matter but put the new one in because it "went" with the other one. Ughhh. Abilene Paradox: I disagree, I don't think this is the first time we have done this. I promise to tell you how I feel about something. Sometimes I am afraid I will offer my opinion too much, but in this ccase I will let you know. If we don't agree, then we will just talk about it and come up with something we both agree on. I do agree that there are few times when a joint decision can't be made. Maybbe this is why we fit so well together. Rohrers: Please don't wear a tux as you described his as being. You said that most people spend their honeymoons in a cabin. I am not suprised that this is the common thing to do. This way they are undisturbed. A common objection that goes with this is the desire to do have done something more. I am confidant that whatever we choose to do, we will have fun. I wonder that if cabin honeymooners have these regrets while they are in the cabin or if they arise after several years of marriage wishing they could remember more of what they did when all that they did is what a honeymoon is for. You have asked what I have done in California. Pretty much nothing. I have been to Disneyland and I spent a day at the beach playing volleyball. Anything else is pretty much open. I have never been to magic mountain or six flags or any other theme parks. I haven't been to Sea World, but please dont take me to this for our honeymoon. It doesn't appeal to me. I won't keep my mind closed to it (meaning if you want to go at a future date, fine, but PLEASE don't take me there for our honeymoon.). I am sure you will help out (around the house) just fine. While we were at Jenn's and even at your parents you were took care of things. I am so anxious to make a home for you that it probably won't matter for the first while. I am going to mail this to you and do some things for my mother (I don't know if I will even be able to do ANY reading today as I had originally planned). 2 weeks and I will get to be with you for 3 months. NOW I am excited!!! I love you. Wanda

Babble

Good Morning Honey, Last night the power went out over the whole block. We didn't get it back until 9:30 this morning (just a few minutes ago). Yesterday Joey woke me up askaing me to help him deliver flyers for his Eagle project, I helped and then I got home at about 4:30. I turned on the tv and they had the video from Patty Loveless "Thinking About Elvis." I didn't need that, I was already missing you. Cherstin and I were home alone. I decided to try to call you (even though I had talked to you the day before). Nobody answered, not even the answering machine, someone was probably on and didn't want to answer the beep. (Say, you don't perhaps have another girlfriend you were talking to.) I figured I would call again in a few minutes, then my parents came home. Cherstin left to go swimming with my friends and I went with mom and dad to Calexico and then to Mexico. While we were in Calexico we were going to check on my eyes, but the doctor hadn't been in all weekend. Mom said when we go up to Balboa (San Diego) we will get it done. If not then I can make an appointment up at Hill on the 1st of October. We got back from Mexico at about 5:00. We were expected to be at the Hull's for dinner. We went and got back at 9:00pm. I decided to write to you since I didn't get to call you and then the power went out. Yesterday felt like a circus. This morning is much better. Everyone was out of the house by 8:00 and noone will return until late this afternoon. There is a lot I have to do, but I will have a lot of time to myself to finish LOADS of reading and write to you. I love you. I had a nightmare last night. You weren't in it. Usually you are in my dreams. I think that this is because you are part of my life now, more than anyone else. A huge snake was in the house. It was green on one side and red on the other with a yellow stripe down its back. Someone had said it was poisonous and my mother stepped on its neck trying to kill it. It almost bit her but scurried under the stove in the kitchen. This dream was very unrealistic because you couldn't get my mother within 20 feet of a non-poisonous snake. (I couldn't get her that close to me when my rat was on my shoulders.) I just looked back over what I wrote. I told you yesterdays events and about my weird dream last night. Sorry. the only things I have to talk to write now is the dog and my sisters bird. I better go get something done before I go crazy. I love you. Love always, Wanda

Cocerns

Dear Robert, I thought that I would drop you a line. Rich and I have been talking at length about something that is quite distressing but it is a "loaded" issue and we're reluctant to discuss it more thoroughly with Wanda until we have a more objective take on it--- so I guess you're the objective take! Rich suggested that I write you a note and tell you our concerns and he'd e-mail it (yes! I know! I'm a computer illiterate!!) in the morning. Perhaps you'll have a chance in the next few days to think about it and then get back to us. It concerns Sally. I really don't like to meddle (actually I do like to be in the middle of everything---but I don't usually feel the need to orchestrate or control everything---just want to be a part of the fun---I really haven't grown up, huh?) but I have strong impressions that cause me great concern, both for Wanda and Sally's sake. Perhaps Wanda told you that she and I were having a particularly difficult time communicating prior to your arrival...I was very frustrated. That really isn't all that uncommon...but this was extraordinarily tense. Finally, one night I took the time and really just unloaded about my concerns. Wanda wasn't overtly angry, I didn't want to hurt her or cause undue anger or frustration, but I never had closure either. I voiced my concerns but I still don't know whether they are valid concerns or hooey, and I certainly don't know how Wanda was taking the things that I said, and I probably won't know for years (if at all). Wanda is continuing to discuss or elicit our advice about a Maid of Honor and I have simply deferred to her judgement, not because we don't care or desire to offer support or encouragement, but rather, because we would not want to offend or say something that would make her feel our disapproval or cause her to choose someone based on our feelings. We would like her to choose the person she would most enjoy celebrating that day with, besides the obvious! However, warning bells just scream for attention when I hear Sally's name. In my conversation AT Wanda I told her I had concerns in many areas, namely: 1) Wanda can be very open on a superficial level and other people often mistake it for true intimacy. They feel that they know her and that there is nothing unknown. That they have exclusive knowledge. This is a wonderful quality...but more often than not they are surprised to learn that they only know a fraction about her. Indeed, sometimes there is real hurt and confusion because they usually are intensely open with her and are genuinely astonished to find how private she really is. Often this leaves Wanda playing psychiatrist or counselor with people who need a friend or a listening ear...not that this is bad...but it often results in unequal friendships...with her listening to the woes of others...in short--she collects strays! 2) Wanda has always been very open and affectionate with other human beings and strays. Her comfort zone is about 1 inch from others and often others misinterpret that as much more "involved" that she really is. We discussed this at length and I'm afraid I probably came off somewhat cold and hard-hearted because I counseled her to put up invisible barriers of at least 6 inches, for many reasons. I told her that most guys that are allowed a closer range will usually misinterpret it and that it safeguarded them and their feelings and it protected her. Also, nothing is wrong with a hug, kiss, or touch as appropriate but to be very careful and selective about those times...that is was important to make sure that others understood our feelings...but more important that they not misunderstand them. I also cautioned her that affection easily given to anyone tends to trivialize true affection and that the very nature of your relationship demands and requires the utmost loyalty and true intimacy be reserved for the consummation of that relationship and none else. And that displays of affection that are appropriate at certain times and at certain ages are not appropriate at other times or ages. I know---this sounds so common sense, huh? Or maybe too stuffy? 3) The reason for the discussion was because I have the distinct impression that Sally is a young woman in trouble. I don't think that she trusts anyone and I'm not even certain that she knows entirely what she's dealing with. Every time I have seen her she is "pawing" Wanda, hanging all over her, playing with her hair, caressing, etc. I had the distinct impression that she has mistaken Wanda's openness, caring, listening ear, unconditional love, and lack of invisible barriers to affection for "love." I know that this sounds wild...but I had the strongest impression that she was jealous of you. I guess...to put it bluntly...I'm worried that Sally is so confused and tortured that she may misinterpret Wanda's attributes (?) and get them all turned around somehow and feel that to the degree that she trusts Wanda, that Wanda cares, and how they are able to be affectionate that...she may feel that there is some kind of homosexual tie...probably dumb...but I can't deny the impressions. I told her that I knew her sexual identity was strong and intact, as is her self-esteem, and value system...but for a young woman as troubled as Sally...it could be an easy thing for her to misinterpret, misconstrue, and misunderstand anything and everything. I counseled her that none of this was cause to "run away" from Sally but rather put up guardrail to protect her and to help Sally come to terms with the issues that confront her. I don't know, Robert. I'm reluctant to bring this up...I'm probably making mountains out of mole hills. I'm hoping that you have had more opportunity to know Sally than I and that your impressions will have more validity. I generally can trust my instincts (though once in a while I'm wrong) but I haven't had a great deal of time with Sally and during those few days things were pretty tense...maybe they (my instincts) weren't up to par. I would hate for Sally to have to deal with anything more than what she's already going through and I don't want Wanda hurt...either by my jumping to conclusions or if she found Sally to have even greater problems than she would suppose. I talked as frankly as I did because for all of Wanda's street- knowledge...she is really pretty naive...her lack of barriers is just her comfort and ease with being open, affectionate, and loving with all she meets, as with the communication, most are surprised to find how truly private she is...a paradox for sure. I don't know...our family is pretty open and affectionate...and yet reserved too...perhaps I'm just paranoid. However, I've never really experienced the uneasiness that I did. I also worry that Sally is an expensive friend---a lot of emotional capital is required with very little return for either party. I also believe that the problems Sally has will ultimately require professional help or at least the help of someone in authority to do so...I don't know but I believe that friends getting involved will probably just prolong her agony and delay her getting the help she needs. And you know, as well as I do, that listening to the opinions of others just tosses you to and fro, continuing the confusion, hurt, and frustrating the ultimate resolution. Rich says that he feels comfortable knowing that you'll be on the scene come fall...that will temper it...I concur. However, I think that some of the frustration that Wanda and I were initially experiencing was because I think she has some pretty ambivalent feeling about Sally too, perhaps she just can't put her finger on it. Telling you about Wanda's lack of barriers will come as no surprise to you...but it will place the two of you on egg shells. If you're anything like Rich was you'll probably do some deliberate distancing to safeguard worthiness...I remember being very confused at first...he was almost like he was on a mission...he softly and lovingly told me it was precisely because he loved me that he was distancing himself...I really do admire his self control...oh well...I don't mean to go on and on about us...this is a very special time for you and Wanda...Rich and I trust your maturity, love, concern, and desire to protect and provide for her not only for this life, but more importantly, for eternity...we really do believe that you will do all in your power to safeguard her, to cherish her, and to take her to the house of the Lord in perfect worthiness. You have our unwavering faith and support. Somehow, I don't know why...already you feel more like our son than a "son- in-law"...I hope that isn't offensive...it isn't meant to be...maybe it's because you look so darn familiar...did we know you in our pre-earth life or just met your clone somewhere... Anyway...back to the subject at hand...we would appreciate your thoughts...we don't want to raise more alarm than is necessary and we certainly don't want to cause hurt or frustration...hopefully you'll have greater insight. With love, Rich and Karen Please answer us via return E-Mail on Compuserve.

The rest of the quote

Robert, I am glad I crack you up, I only wish that I knew about what. Is it over the song lyrics I sent you? I do feel that we were made for each other in mind. When Heavenly Father created me he did it with the idea of loving you in mind. I only hope I can do as good a job at loving you as you do loving me. It does feel natural knowing that I am going to marry you. I never expected it to, but I'm not complaining. The vax: I know how to extract the messages, but I don't know how to download them. You will have to teach me how to do this when we get back to Weber (in less then a month!!! COOL!). I thought it funny to read Seans message. I am suprised though that he hasn't written me back, usually he is pretty good at this. No, I don't think he likes you better. He DOES think you are very lucky. He also thinks that you must be pretty great. He trusts my judgement and knows how happy you make me. Electricity/Chemistry: Whatever you want to call it I think we got it. No, I KNOW we have it!!! The grass is definately greener where you water it and I think we will use plenty of water, however I don't want to drown it. I think this goes along the same lines as expecting too much. (Oops! I didn't give you that part yet. Well I will give it to you now. I hope that these aren't boring or to preachy.) ----------------- Brent A. Barlow --------------------------- As I talk to numerous married couples of various ages, I am impressed with the efforts so many have made to keep their love and marriage vital and alive. I once wrote a column in the Deseret News about the importance of keeping a marriage alive and vital. I asked readers to write and tell me ways they have kept the zip in their marriage over the years. I received 140 letters with some good ideas. The vast majority said they simply got away for a few days WC (Without Children!). Some took a short vacation (a second honeymoon, it was often called), went camping, or drove to a nearby city for a day or two of rest in a hotel or motel. Others indicated they did not go on or could not afford extended two- or three-day trips but periodically went out together. Many others simply arranged to spend time together at home, often after the children had gone to bed, to talk and spend some time in mutual activity such as reading, playing card games, or general activity where they were in each other's presence alone. Several other activities were mentioned, such as prayer, weekly devotionals, and church attendance, to increase the overall spiritual dimensions of the marriage and the home. Other joint activities included daily walks or jogging together, participating in dancing or study groups, playing racquetball or tennis modifying (increasing or decreasing) community and church activites, increasing the frequency of touch, giving backrubs, and making a conscious effort to improve their sexual relationship. Following is one letter typical of the 140 I received: Dear Dr. Barlow: I found your article on vitalizing your marriage interesting. Not only was it our fourth anniversary, but my best friend just announced that she and her husband are getting divorced. It caused me to think. We haven't done any one big thing to revitalize our relationship, but we have done several small ones. First, we try to keep communication channels open. This can be difficult at times. But sometimes I just leave small notes around the house to surprise my husband. Frequently we go out. We leave our son with a babysitter and have made it a policy to leave our household problems at home and not discuss them while we are gone. We spend the evening talking about mutual interests, much as we did when we were dating. I have begun to develop my interests so I can talk to him about things outside our home. We have also tried to keep our sex life alive. We are open about our affection for each other and find it easy to discuss these matters. Above all, we try to keep each other in the highest esteem. We care about each other and emphasize loyalty. And our relationship is treasured above all else and above all others. (Back to Dr. Barlow) One wife, however, gave the following caution: I wonder sometimes if we expect too much excitement in marriage. As Archie Bunker once said to Edith, "Bein' bored is an important part of bein' married." I am not saying that we should not try to keep marriage interesting and exciting at times. But I really feel that some couples expect too much. Perhaps we need to learn to enjoy the simple things in life and not expect too much excitement. excessively high expectations in marriage put a lot of pressure on both husbands and wives. (Barlow) She then enclosed the following beautiful excerpt about love from the book War Within and Without by Anne Morrow Lindbergh: Charles is gone again. The three days when he was here were so full and intense it seems they weighed more than the days before or after. And it is difficult to record them. They had that kind of premarriage intensity and preciousness that is difficult to capture. With the dull pain of departure -- like a threatening thunderstorm over an afternoon -- the light is more beautiful on an afternoon like that. The green is more green, the earth more vivid. But this is an unreal light. These days are not marriage. They are being in love, but not the casual give and take, the wonderful blending of silence and communication, sharing and solitariness, being bored and being stimulated, disputes and agreements, the everyday and the extraordinary, the near and the far -- that wonderful blending that makes for the incredible rechness, variety, harmoniousness, and toughness of marriage. Marriage is tough, because it is woven of all these various elements, the weak and the strong. "In loveness" is fragile for it is woven only with the gossamer threads of beauty. It seems to me absurd to talk about "happy" and "unhappy" marriages. Real marriages are both at the same time. But if they are real marriages, they always have this incredible rechness for which one is eternally joyful and grateful. It is strange, I can conceive of "falling in love" over and over again. But marriage, this richness of life itself, I cannot conceive of having again -- or with anyone else. In this sense marriage seems to me indissoluble. ---------------------------------------------------------- That is all of that section. I was going to split it into two more sections, but the part I was talking about was at the end (overexpectations). I find it comforting that we are already taking measures to keep our marriage alive. We have talked about designating time for each other once a week, we have talked about having date night, about not letting the church ruin our marriage, etc. I love you. Expectations: I feel as long as we level with each other about what our expectations are (I will try to do this, it doesn't come naturally -- there's that dumb fatal flaw again.) we will do fine. I love you. I only want to make you happy and I know that you can keep me happy, you already do. I am off to another message. Your best friend, Wanda