Cocerns

Dear Robert, I thought that I would drop you a line. Rich and I have been talking at length about something that is quite distressing but it is a "loaded" issue and we're reluctant to discuss it more thoroughly with Wanda until we have a more objective take on it--- so I guess you're the objective take! Rich suggested that I write you a note and tell you our concerns and he'd e-mail it (yes! I know! I'm a computer illiterate!!) in the morning. Perhaps you'll have a chance in the next few days to think about it and then get back to us. It concerns Sally. I really don't like to meddle (actually I do like to be in the middle of everything---but I don't usually feel the need to orchestrate or control everything---just want to be a part of the fun---I really haven't grown up, huh?) but I have strong impressions that cause me great concern, both for Wanda and Sally's sake. Perhaps Wanda told you that she and I were having a particularly difficult time communicating prior to your arrival...I was very frustrated. That really isn't all that uncommon...but this was extraordinarily tense. Finally, one night I took the time and really just unloaded about my concerns. Wanda wasn't overtly angry, I didn't want to hurt her or cause undue anger or frustration, but I never had closure either. I voiced my concerns but I still don't know whether they are valid concerns or hooey, and I certainly don't know how Wanda was taking the things that I said, and I probably won't know for years (if at all). Wanda is continuing to discuss or elicit our advice about a Maid of Honor and I have simply deferred to her judgement, not because we don't care or desire to offer support or encouragement, but rather, because we would not want to offend or say something that would make her feel our disapproval or cause her to choose someone based on our feelings. We would like her to choose the person she would most enjoy celebrating that day with, besides the obvious! However, warning bells just scream for attention when I hear Sally's name. In my conversation AT Wanda I told her I had concerns in many areas, namely: 1) Wanda can be very open on a superficial level and other people often mistake it for true intimacy. They feel that they know her and that there is nothing unknown. That they have exclusive knowledge. This is a wonderful quality...but more often than not they are surprised to learn that they only know a fraction about her. Indeed, sometimes there is real hurt and confusion because they usually are intensely open with her and are genuinely astonished to find how private she really is. Often this leaves Wanda playing psychiatrist or counselor with people who need a friend or a listening ear...not that this is bad...but it often results in unequal friendships...with her listening to the woes of others...in short--she collects strays! 2) Wanda has always been very open and affectionate with other human beings and strays. Her comfort zone is about 1 inch from others and often others misinterpret that as much more "involved" that she really is. We discussed this at length and I'm afraid I probably came off somewhat cold and hard-hearted because I counseled her to put up invisible barriers of at least 6 inches, for many reasons. I told her that most guys that are allowed a closer range will usually misinterpret it and that it safeguarded them and their feelings and it protected her. Also, nothing is wrong with a hug, kiss, or touch as appropriate but to be very careful and selective about those times...that is was important to make sure that others understood our feelings...but more important that they not misunderstand them. I also cautioned her that affection easily given to anyone tends to trivialize true affection and that the very nature of your relationship demands and requires the utmost loyalty and true intimacy be reserved for the consummation of that relationship and none else. And that displays of affection that are appropriate at certain times and at certain ages are not appropriate at other times or ages. I know---this sounds so common sense, huh? Or maybe too stuffy? 3) The reason for the discussion was because I have the distinct impression that Sally is a young woman in trouble. I don't think that she trusts anyone and I'm not even certain that she knows entirely what she's dealing with. Every time I have seen her she is "pawing" Wanda, hanging all over her, playing with her hair, caressing, etc. I had the distinct impression that she has mistaken Wanda's openness, caring, listening ear, unconditional love, and lack of invisible barriers to affection for "love." I know that this sounds wild...but I had the strongest impression that she was jealous of you. I guess...to put it bluntly...I'm worried that Sally is so confused and tortured that she may misinterpret Wanda's attributes (?) and get them all turned around somehow and feel that to the degree that she trusts Wanda, that Wanda cares, and how they are able to be affectionate that...she may feel that there is some kind of homosexual tie...probably dumb...but I can't deny the impressions. I told her that I knew her sexual identity was strong and intact, as is her self-esteem, and value system...but for a young woman as troubled as Sally...it could be an easy thing for her to misinterpret, misconstrue, and misunderstand anything and everything. I counseled her that none of this was cause to "run away" from Sally but rather put up guardrail to protect her and to help Sally come to terms with the issues that confront her. I don't know, Robert. I'm reluctant to bring this up...I'm probably making mountains out of mole hills. I'm hoping that you have had more opportunity to know Sally than I and that your impressions will have more validity. I generally can trust my instincts (though once in a while I'm wrong) but I haven't had a great deal of time with Sally and during those few days things were pretty tense...maybe they (my instincts) weren't up to par. I would hate for Sally to have to deal with anything more than what she's already going through and I don't want Wanda hurt...either by my jumping to conclusions or if she found Sally to have even greater problems than she would suppose. I talked as frankly as I did because for all of Wanda's street- knowledge...she is really pretty naive...her lack of barriers is just her comfort and ease with being open, affectionate, and loving with all she meets, as with the communication, most are surprised to find how truly private she is...a paradox for sure. I don't know...our family is pretty open and affectionate...and yet reserved too...perhaps I'm just paranoid. However, I've never really experienced the uneasiness that I did. I also worry that Sally is an expensive friend---a lot of emotional capital is required with very little return for either party. I also believe that the problems Sally has will ultimately require professional help or at least the help of someone in authority to do so...I don't know but I believe that friends getting involved will probably just prolong her agony and delay her getting the help she needs. And you know, as well as I do, that listening to the opinions of others just tosses you to and fro, continuing the confusion, hurt, and frustrating the ultimate resolution. Rich says that he feels comfortable knowing that you'll be on the scene come fall...that will temper it...I concur. However, I think that some of the frustration that Wanda and I were initially experiencing was because I think she has some pretty ambivalent feeling about Sally too, perhaps she just can't put her finger on it. Telling you about Wanda's lack of barriers will come as no surprise to you...but it will place the two of you on egg shells. If you're anything like Rich was you'll probably do some deliberate distancing to safeguard worthiness...I remember being very confused at first...he was almost like he was on a mission...he softly and lovingly told me it was precisely because he loved me that he was distancing himself...I really do admire his self control...oh well...I don't mean to go on and on about us...this is a very special time for you and Wanda...Rich and I trust your maturity, love, concern, and desire to protect and provide for her not only for this life, but more importantly, for eternity...we really do believe that you will do all in your power to safeguard her, to cherish her, and to take her to the house of the Lord in perfect worthiness. You have our unwavering faith and support. Somehow, I don't know why...already you feel more like our son than a "son- in-law"...I hope that isn't offensive...it isn't meant to be...maybe it's because you look so darn familiar...did we know you in our pre-earth life or just met your clone somewhere... Anyway...back to the subject at hand...we would appreciate your thoughts...we don't want to raise more alarm than is necessary and we certainly don't want to cause hurt or frustration...hopefully you'll have greater insight. With love, Rich and Karen Please answer us via return E-Mail on Compuserve.