Reply to Reply #2

Robert, You had said in reply 2 "Once we are a little settled - we have an apartment, cooking utensils, furniture, and I have a job - then we'll probably REALLY want children." If this is the case then we can discuss it then. Neither of us will know how we will feel 1 or 2 years from now. What if we have been married for 6 months and we really want children and are in a position to do so. I will be willing to postpone my degree if this is what we want at that time. I don't want to be tied to our previous decision. I am NOT saying that we should wait and see what happens, but I don't want to be held to what we have agreed upon. I don't want to hear "Well honey, we agreed that we would wait two years" and have the topic closed. I don't want what I am saying now to be held over my head. I don't think this is something YOU would do because you are very considerate, and that is an extreme case, but this was my point earlier when I asked if we could leave the topic open for discussion. This goes both ways. If I want children, I will come to you and discuss it with you. If you want children and I haven't said anything, come to me. I might have forgotten about the idea (I doubt this would ever happen). I might get wrapped up in studying. Or I might just be waiting for you to say something. Getting settled: I think our definition of this was different. I thought you were talking about waiting to strengthen our love. This is a common view that the world takes. I feel that our love should be strong enough to bear children if it is strong enough to get married. It didn't occur to me until just now that you are talking about having a place to live and you having a job with a steady income. For me this was a given. I wouldn't dream of planning on children if I can't plan on our next meal. It IS enough to know that you want children just as much as I do, if not MORE!!! I love you. This is what I needed to hear. I know that if you want them as much as I do, then you won't put them off until we don't have them. If we did this THEN I would have regrets. If we decide to have children in the first year of our marriage and it requires me to quit school, then I will. I will be just as happy having children. I don't think my mother has had time to regret not being done with school yet. Correct me if I'm wrong. I wouldn't quit school. I would just postpone it; taking classes when I can, when we can afford it, right? I don't want this to sound as if I am backing out of what we have talked about earlier or as if I can't make a decision. As it stands: we are going to wait for me to get at least close to finishing school. But I don't want either of us to discount other possibilities just because we decided one thing now. You had mentioned the possibility of me quitting school and us going to Los Alamos and starting our family right away. If we go to Los Alamos, then this might be the best thing to do. I could finish up my Associates (Hopefully this can be accomplished between UNMLA and Weber) shortly after we arrive (less than 9 months) and start work until I get pregnant. I looked at the catalog earlier and realized that going to school there might not be advantageous. I would be VERY, VERY happy if we were in Los Alamos and I was "bare foot and pregnant." I could pick up my degree along the way later. Robert, if this is what you want to do and feel that we can make it down there with a family, then we don't want to discount it just because we have decided to wait two years. I am sure we will talk more about this during the fall. I don't know why you thought this letter might be painful for me to hear. I rather enjoyed hearing how much you want to have children. It makes me really happy. Yes, I do realize that I'd have to sacrifice my degree in order for us to have kids one or two years sooner. Don't you think I would have thought about this? If we decide to have children early, or even if a surprise comes, then we will have to adjust and my education isn't going to be left unchanged. I will be willing to forgo my education if we have children early. I have weighed this and I am making an informed decision, I am not blind. You say the decision, in all reality is mine. This is not so. I may be birthing our family, but you will be supporting it. Driving to Vegas: I would love this. 6 months seems so long and I am not sure if I want to wait that long. No, I KNOW I don't want to wait that long, but we can. I know that the wait will be worth it if I get to have you. Present Choices: 1. Start a family right after we get married and I can quit school for a few years until we have the money to send me back. If we decide to do this, I am willing to postpone my education until we can afford it. I have no objections to this choice. Question: how soon is "right after we get married?" 2. Finish your degree and the we can have kids: I don't think a year or a year and a half is too long to wait. (If I am not mistaken this is the choice we are presently making.) I am trying to schedule my schooling so I can finish earlier than I originally planned. If we end up somewhere that I can't do this or if I decide it is too stressful to cram it, then let's seriously consider #1. 3. You can get a full-time job, I can get a part-time/full-time job, I can stay in school, we can start having kids and let someone else raise them for the first few years. I don't like this idea at all. If we let someone else raise the kids for the first few years, aren't we basically postponing raising them? Shouldn't we just wait until after I finish my degree (in #2) and postpone raising them THIS way when we can start with them when they are babies instead of when they are young children? Just a thought. I am going to go write in my journal. It is late and I am really tired. My fingers aren't allowing me to type. I will however, type more tomorrow. I love you. Forever yours, WMH