Mom and Me

Robert, I left for the swap meet with my mother early this morning. I got home at 3:00 and left to pick up my father and when we got home he had to get on the computer to get his schoolwork done for class tomorrow. You haven't gotten any messages from me today and I felt kind of lonely not being able to read any of your mail or write any back to you. Reply 2 came in and then reply1, so now I get to read them and reply to you. They didn't come in until 10:17pm and 10:25pm (tonight). We are leaving Saturday. It looks as if Joey won't be able to come. My mother is worried that we won't get anything done. I guess she has been planning to get some things accomplished on this visit. We are still struggling to get along. Most of the time we do, but occasionally we have a hard time (about once a week). I wish I knew how to fix it. I will do whatever I can, if I only knew. I only have a hard time with her and she only has a hard time with me. I was talking to my dad about it earlier tonight and he didn't know what to do either. The sad part is, it isn't usually like this. I feel like she is trying to pick me apart and she feels like I am trying to push her out of my life. I know that I am not pushing her out of my life (and have even told her so), but I am trying to keep her in it and I doubt she is really trying to pick me apart. I went on a long walk today. I was talking to Heavenly Father and I kept remembering the blessing that Brian gave me. Even though I was troubled with didfferent matters, I feel that the counsel I received still applies and I haven't been following it. The blessing was rather long and gave me much advice and counsel. The direction was much needed then and I was grateful for it, I should be using it now. I only have four days, I hope it works. This is one of the last times I will be with my family and I don't want to remember it with all the turmoil I am feeling now. It sounds like I need to go write in my journal. I will go do that as soon as I am done writing you. Hmmm . . . if I remember correctly that was one of the things I was counseled to do that I haven't been doing. I forgot about that one. Usually when I write it helps clear my mind or at least put things in perspective so I can better deal with them. I am just afraid that I am going to botch it up and then *I* will be the one that won't talk to my parents (or at least my mother) for 2+ years. she already won't talk to me now. My dad has just told me that we need to just be civil to each other, but I don't want civility, that's what you get from a stranger. I want to feel like she is my mother/friend again which takes more than civility. I am going to start a new message or you will be hearing more about this. I can't seem to stop rambling about it. I love you. Thanks for being patient with me. Your friend, Wanda